So we finally know how Enmeshment is defined, but why exactly is this common in the context of a Filipino family? There isn’t a straightforward answer to this, however, specific concepts derived from Filipino values are often connected to Enmeshment – such as Utang na Loob, Pakikipagkapwa, and Pagpapahalaga sa Pamilya – which was briefly discussed in the last study.

 

1. Pagpapahalaga sa Pamilya (Honoring the Family) 

As mentioned similarly in the previous study, 

Family and its interconnections with each other are highly valued in Filipino society (Maglian, 2019). 

We see this concept everywhere, even outside of our homes, from heartfelt fast food commercials to those telenovelas on a daily schedule. Children of families are encouraged to only do good, since any act of disgrace is also seen as a disgrace to the family, thus, families often discuss big decisions together. 

“Anak, ba’t hindi ka na lang magdoktor?” (Child, why don’t you just become a doctor?)

Every family has probably had this conversation at least once in their life while growing up, no matter how fun or lighthearted the tone used. Maybe the first time, or even second time it was brought up, it wasn’t that bad. We understand why they suggest this, of course. Who doesn’t want to live comfortably? The only problem is, what if you don’t want to take that path? Surely they will let you decide what path to take when it’s time, right? Sadly that just isn’t the case for everybody.

In the previous article, we talked about how distorted views of such values can be detrimental to one’s individuality and boundaries. Knowing what we know now about the definition of enmeshment, we can conclude that the quote above does not necessarily mean the relationship is enmeshed, however, depending on how the interaction escalates, it can result in a crushed self-identity due to not having a say in one’s life. 

 

2. Pakikipagkapwa (Shared Identity)

Pakikipagkapwa refers to treating people like fellow human beings or acknowledging that they are also human beings (Enriquez, 1978, 1994).

While somewhat similar to Pagpapahalaga sa Pamilya, Pakikipagkapwa is often seen in just about any kind of relationship. According to Enriquez, there are two categories of pakikipagkapwa or kapwa: The Ibang-tao (outsider) and Hindi-Ibang-tao (one of us). Based on what one’s role is, the treatment to and from others differ, but in both situations, we are expected to give due consideration and respect to the other person. 

For outsiders, it is shown as engaging with and treating them with civility and courtesy and encouraging harmonious relationships.  For the insider, on the other hand, it is shown through fostering a relationship with them that encourages deeper levels of trust, understanding, and acceptance – such as being somebody they can rely on and practicing selflessness. 

“Makisama ka naman doon, para kang others.” (Go be with the others, you’re like an outsider.)

I heard this the most from my mom growing up. Although less common than the other phrases, I find that this one correlates the most with Pakikipagkapwa as a Filipino value, since it talks about getting along and not thinking of yourself as an outsider among insiders, regardless of how you personally feel about the other people involved. While it is nice to remain civil with people you don’t necessarily have a good relationship with, expecting others to have the same respect and compliance you have just isn’t realistic. We, as humans, feel things differently and should have the right to feel how we feel.

Of course, like the other Filipino values discussed, Pakikipagkapwa can be the cause of enmeshment in the Filipino family if the concept is distorted, as this can be used to force conformity or compliance over others, as well as enable intolerance for others’ beliefs. Applying the definition of enmeshment here, we can say once again that the quote does not necessarily mean the relationship is enmeshed, it depends on how it was “enforced.” 

 

3. Utang na Loob (Debt of Gratitude)

Utang na loob refers to one’s inner sense of gratitude driven by a desire to reciprocate genuine goodwill (Enriquez, 1997).

Utang na Loob is definitely one of those values we knew by heart ever since we were children. While commonly seen in familial relationships, it can also show itself in different close relationships, such as platonic and romantic relationships. Out of all Filipino values mentioned, however, Utang na Loob remains the easiest to distort, making it a difficult and sensitive topic to talk about. 

“Mabuti naman graduating ka na, pwede na akong magretire.” (It’s great that you’re finally graduating, I can finally retire.) 

Now this quote, I know probably not everyone has heard this before but it is something I’ve been told at least once in my life. Although very indirect, it insinuates the person graduating can finally step up and care for the family financially, allowing the initial provider to retire from work and enjoy their retirement while being cared for. In my case, it was said in a  funny, joking manner. Regardless of the tone used, however, the guilt of giving back remains in my heart. 

One can only imagine how even more guilt-trippy and outright damaging to oneself it would be if the quote was expressed fully distorted with an intent to force and manipulate. Similarly to previous values, quotes such as what was written above are not, at its core, a cause for the enmeshed dynamic. Depending on what happens after, the value can definitely be a contributing factor, since enforcing one’s will on someone else is a breach of boundaries.

 

The Takeaway

Although there isn’t a straightforward cause for enmeshment in Filipino families, understanding and discussing tendencies for Filipino values linked to enmeshment can help us paint a very clear picture of how it usually starts showing itself in familial relationships. 

People don’t choose to be enmeshed, it shows itself after a series of resentments that date back years – even generations – through trauma that never healed. It’s our job now, as loose ends, to figure out how to unlearn these patterns to set ourselves free.